Ich Bin Lost
by Nemo Returning
Summary: [a.k.a. Harry Potter and His Worst Daymares] [Refurbished] ...and amidst it all a not-too-bright lonely boy is stuck; forced to watch as the world he doesn’t really understand, stops to exist, or, maybe, just exists to stop... [Ch 11. Unforgettables]
1. Two Summaries and Five Warnings

**ONE DISCLAIMER, TWO SUMMARIES, AND FIVE WARNINGS**

**Disclaimer: **

Last time I've checked my possessions I was a proud owner of a bonsai sapling and of $500 on my bank account. That's about all.

* * *

**1. Summary, Drama Style **

…and amidst it all a not-too-bright lonely boy is stuck; forced to watch as the world he doesn't really understand, stops to exist, or, maybe, just exists to stop...

**Hmm… doesn't explain a thing, does it? Seems, I'm not very good at summaries. **

**Shall I try again? Yes? As you wish. So…**

**2. Summary, Parody Style **

Well... _hem-hem_... Ok, I'm not very good at summaries ... so what happens when...

…Harry finds out that he has a whole bunch of long lost twin sisters (my exact copy, all of them!) and an equally lost twin older brother (my exact copy too... eh… with some minor alterations).

And btw Sirius is still almost alive, only a bit _veiled_ and then Lupin unveils the truth that Severus was his (Harry's, not Lupin's) father once but had changed his mind later - which only proves his superior intelligence yet again (as if it needed any proving!)

But all the breathtaking revelations come unnoticed because the noble and clever Hermione manages at last to set free all the Hogwarts house-elves; and the thoroughly liberated Dobby is now in charge of the whole castle – alone (oh, that sweet word _freedom_...)

And who knows, what happens to all the laundry and dirty dishes now and what exactly all those New Beautiful and Smart American Transfers are doing in Hogwarts' kitchens and laundries?

Oh! And did I forget to mention that Dumbledore is cheerfully starving now (well, everybody else are starving too, but who cares)?

Oh! And did I forget to mention about new mysterious DADA teachers with horrible past, present and future tenses (my blind carbon copy, btw).

Oh! And did I forget to mention that Voldemort's officially back now? Surprise, surprise…

Oh! And did I forget to mention that I am in a desperate need of After, Better and Grammar Readers?

Oh! And did I forget to mention that I'm not very good at summaries?

**Yes. Much better, this one. Now the last warnings… Just in case somebody's still reading...**

Well . . . _hem-hem_ again. . .

Greetings to all the brave souls who weren't scared off by the _Summaries_ provided (Gryffindors, eh?) and went further!

**Last Warning #1: This epos _is_ a Parody, from its smallest toes to its biggest woes.**

This includes the above mentioned _Summary_, which began just as homage to all the hopeless summaries I've became profoundly fed up of reading – and which unexpectedly blossomed up with a life of its own.

**Last Warning #2: Do worry: every single given promise will be fulfilled till the end of the story!**

This includes all the promises I've conveniently forgotten to mention about :)

**Last Warning #3: However, I never promised that I will finish it soon!!!**

I'm certainly going to enjoy it cold - especially now, when the number of poorly written, hollow or, worse, plagiarizing from each other fics proliferates faster then bacteria on unwashed hands. It is not likely I'm going to run out of fresh ideas, is it?

**Last Warning #4: I alone know the final destination, and Merlin alone knows the root I'm going to take… **

This story is hand crafted from genuine letters. Each chapter may slightly vary in texture, size, style, and other insignificant characteristics.

**Last Warning #5: I'm a patient person, well-mannered, refined, decent, and, above all, modest…**

…however, all of the above is but my poor late mother's doing. She _so_ wanted me to be a true lady…

_ Mother, I'm sorry…_

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**_STILL READING? STRANGE… JUST REMEMBER: YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!_**


	2. …Or Maybe Not

**Disclaimer:** $400 on my bank account and the stubbornly alive baby bonsai...

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**PART I **- **MERLIN BLESS THE NIGHT**

**Chapter 1 …Or Maybe Not **

_Hogwarts. Six weeks after the Great Elf Upgrading._

_MERLIN BLESS THE NIGHT!!!_

Merlin bless the night for the merciful darkness it provides; the darkness in which it is so much easier to carry out unnoticed all those little dirty things, which bear not daylight.

Because the heavenly proud, hellishly noble, hopelessly brave, wonderfully defiant, rather handsome, filthy rich, incurably famous and extremely shy Harry James Klapka James Turin Turambar Mama Mia Potter will _never_ (did you hear me? never!) be seen carrying the 9 and 3/4 pounds of his dirty laundry all the way down from his high tower to the lowest dungeons of this very prestigious but, sadly, very medieval, and now also very much _elf-less_ (oh, thank you so much, Hermione!) H. School of W.&W.!!!

He'd rather die first... _Or maybe not_.

He'd rather give his dirty socks and underpants a second chance without trial… eh… washing. And then, maybe, a third one... And then a forth. And then... _Or maybe not_.

So Merlin bless _twice_ the night in which a savior of both the Wz. & Mg. Worlds can safely do his laundry without everybody instantly knowing the color of his Quid-Ditch Bludger-Proof Underwear! Ah, if only he could remember the original color of his unmentionables himself!.. _Or maybe not_…

Harry Potter tiredly dragged his heavy load through yet another utterly neglected, dirty, dusty, and torch-less corridor (did we thank you yet, Hermione?). At first, he didn't pay much attention to the chamber concert of angry voices coming around the corner - after all, nowadays the whole castle was buzzing with symphonies of voiced discontent.

But the voices grew louder and, his heart giving a mighty jolt, Harry recognized his most hated teacher's expensive timbre (97% silk, 3% spandex). The second, younger voice (expertly bouncing on the constant verge of hysteria) seemed to be mercifully unfamiliar... _Or maybe not._

Soon, he could make out the words.

...

"So, you knew it all along?!"

"Knew what?"

"That I'm your long-lost-and-found son!!!"

"My _what_? Oh... Hmm… Of course I did."

"Then why didn't you acknowledge me?"

"I've always wanted a daughter."

"So you'd rather leave me with those… those…_guardians_?!"

"Would you rather be acknowledged as my daughter?"

"You… You bastard!!!"

"I'm most certainly not! As for _you_... well..."

...

The voices were rapidly approaching to his (NW) side of the corner, and Harry barely had time to hide in his conveniently big laundry bag. The aromatherapy provided by all the unmentionable chances piled together was slightly overwhelming, but casting an Invisible & Unscented _Patronus Deodorum_ charm he regained just enough strength of will to stick his head out of his shelter. And about time as well... _Or maybe not_.

Harry J.K.J.T.T.M.M. Potter gasped silently but loudly enough to not be overheard. Right ahead of him, standing shyly but defiantly on his tip-toes, face-to-face with the dreadful Potions Master was...

....

....

**AN EVIL UNFORGIVABLE CLIFFHANGER!!! **

....

....

_Or maybe not. _

....

So, right ahead of him, firmly holding his ground before the dreadful P.M. of H.S. of W&W stood...

....

....

....

**Nope. Definitely a cliffhanger here :) **


	3. Invoices in the Dark

**Disclaimer:** $360 on my bank account and the new beautiful pot for my baby bonsai...

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**A/N - In answer to all the unfounded accusations that I am trying to kill my readers by laughter:**

Well, I am not... And even if I am, you've got no proof :)

**PART I** - **MERLIN BLESS THE NIGHT**

**Chapter 2 Invoices in the Dark**

So, right ahead of him stood... _him_. Another Harry Bloody Potter.

"Wow, that makes two of us!!!" thought Harry B. Potter #1 excitedly, sticking his thin neck further out of the bag.

**[It needs to be mentioned here that Harry, though a very talented wizard, actually knew some calculus, thanks to his Muggle upbringing. A/N]**

"Wait. That means I got a real family now!!!... Wait again. If there can be two Harry Potters, does it mean that there might be two Snapes here as well?!"

At this thought Harry began swiftly revolving on his axis, struggling for a panoramic view… Two pairs of unblinking green eyes met and blinked; and the time stopped breathing for a while, adjusting to the significance of the moment…

"What is _that_?!"

The thankfully solitary Snape was pointing his extremely long and hard, ebony black and elegant finger at Harry-in-the-Bag.

**[Ok. So this was in fact Snape's wand, but people enjoy reading about his graceful hands so much... A/N]**

Harry B. Potter #2 flinched ever so slightly before responding:

"Looks like an abandoned golden-red laundry bag to me."

"Looks like a stranded dirty-yellow submarine with a bespectacled periscope to me," thoughtfully countered Snape. "Oh, no... Don't say that they missed the Hogwarts Lake yet _again_... Honestly, those Durmstrang navigators..."

Harry B. Potter #2 nodded meekly.

"Ok. So, I am _not_ saying that those Durmstrang navigators missed the lake yet again..."

But Snape was not listening anymore. He slowly but warily approached the faintly quivering artifact and not-quite-gently tapped three times the periscope's unruly head with his long, ebony hard and extremely elegant index finger.

**[A genuine finger now. No more substitutes. A/N]**

A loud metallic echo filled the corridor.

"Hello? Anybody home?"

"..."

"??" Snape raised one eyebrow.

" ..."

"?!" Snape raised a second eyebrow.

The submarine shuddered as if assaulted by an invisible storm. (Apparently, whoever was inside it, knew better than push their luck and wait for Snape to raise a third eyebrow). The pale and sweating 'periscope' whimpered slightly, before barking out, in a small and frightened commanding voice:

**IH BIN LOST!!! NICHT FERSHTEIN!!! EH... DO YOU SPRECHEN SOME DOICH?**

Thus spoken, the submarine went limp on the dirty floor, obviously exhausted from this outburst; its periscope hidden.

Harry B. Potter #2 stood very still, his eyes tightly screwed up, while Snape was warily appraising the boneless lumpy form underfoot.

"Hmm... I'm afraid I _do_ have the rare displeasure to know the one and _only_ one person capable for such an idiotic response... But since, unfortunately, you already are standing here beside me, Potter; I'm open for other suggestions..."

Harry B. Potter #2 flinched.

"Um... Eh... It might be-"

"I didn't say I'm open for _your_ suggestions, Potter! Anyway, I've had had enough of your company for one evening - and for much, much more evenings to come, if you are able to catch such a subtle hint. Here, keep you wand. Far it be from me to take away the only sharp thing about you. See you much, much later..."

**FUTURE, HERE I COME!!!**

With that, Snape conjured a shimmering door in the thin air before him and walked inside, not sparing another glance to the Harry B. Potters happy reunion.

**=xXx=**

For a while none of the boys spoke. Then two pairs of unblinking green eyes met and blinked. Harry-Who-Came-with-Snape was the first to speak.

"Stop hiding in this stupid bag. I _remember_ you are here!!!"

Harry-in-the-Bag cautiously poked his head out of his shelter.

"Are you _me_?"

"No, I'm _bi_."

"Oh... I see it now."

"Just kidding. Of course I'm _me_. I'm my future _me_. You're my past _me_."

"Oh... I see it now." Harry-from-the-Bag thought a bit.

"Why do you sound different?"

"That's because you can't hear your own voice properly. It reverberates within your thick skull and the resulting waves that come out..."

"Um?"

"Well, just remember, what you hear when you're speaking - this is your INNER voice."

"Eh... my what?"

"Your _inner_ _voice_, moron! Oh well, if it's too much a burden for your vocabulary, just call it IN-VOICE".

"Oh... I see it now." Harry-from-the-Bag thought a bit more.

"If you are _me_ than who am _I_?"

"Ha! You truly want to know?"

"Stop acting as if _you_ are much smarter than _me_!!!"

"That's because I'm half-an-hour older than you-"

"Ha!!!"

"…and I've spent this half-an-hour with Snape."

"Oh... I see it now..."

He thought yet again.

"And why did you and Snape-"

"We had a lot to discuss."

"Me NEWTS?"

"You NUTS. Didn't you just overhear us talking?! He's my... your... our father. He's always been. He just doesn't care..."

"Oh... I see it now..."

Harry thought... Oh, forget about thinking. He just asked.

"And how do you know he's my-your-our father?"

"I overheard a secret conversation, while hiding in my own laundry bag."

"Oh, that must've been horrible! Can't imagine what _I_ would do if I were in your place! ... Eh… Why are you looking at me like that?.."

Harry-who-came-with-a-Snape spoke very slowly and gently, as if dealing with a baby flobberworm.

"You. Have. Just. Been. In. This. Very. Bag."

"Did I?"

"Yes, my dear _me_. _IT'S CALLED A TIME PARADOX_."

"Oh... I see it now..."

"Whatever. Just don't go and try to kill him now."

"Didn't even cross my mind!"

"I know it didn't… _yet_…"

"…but now that you mentioned it..."

**SNAPE!!! YOU… YOU CRAZY GLUE!!! WHERE ARE YOU?! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!! NOW!!! **

Harry B. Potter #2 worriedly watched his younger self storm away, then, with a heavy sigh, bent down to pick up the neglected laundry. First things first…


	4. With My Bare Wand

**Disclaimer:** Let me check... Nope. Still not mine. Hmm… Maybe, later?

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**PART I** - **MERLIN BLESS THE NIGHT**

**Chapter 3 With My Bare Wand**

Harry-Who-Broke-Loose was roaming through the dark corridors of the peacefully sleeping castle; his voice like thunder, his face like desert storm; black waves of menace tangibly emanating from his predatory form... Soon, soon he will find this cowardly, callous, pathetic excuse of a father figure, and… He almost pitied the greasy bastard already. _Almost_…

"Looking for somebody, Mr. Potter?"

Harry whirled around. Right behind (and well above) him was the un-readable and un-reviewable face, firmly attached to the Head of Slytherin House.

"You!"

"Indeed. An exceptionally acute observation, I must say."

**I… I'LL KILL YOU, SNAPE!!! WITH MY BARE… WAND!!!**

"How very original, Potter. I'm impressed. I truly am."

Snape was lazily stretching his long, well groomed, nice and supple, hollywoodish fingers... Wait a bit…

**HOLLY WOOD?! NICE AND SUPPLE?! ****PHOENIX**** FEATHER?!**

Harry gasped. "My wand!" He frantically patted his vast sleeves. Nothing but the armpits. He fumbled in his deep pockets. Nothing but… eh… nothing worth mentioning. His knees buckled.

"So, am I right to assume you were looking for _me?_ " Snape sounded extremely bored.

"Um... No. No. Not me... you. That was another Professor Snape. Yes, yes... No… Not professor. A very different many much another Snape… Professor… _Sir_…"

"Hmm... How disappointing. A relative of mine, perhaps?" continued Snape, casually advancing on the murderous predator underfoot.

"Um... No, no... No relative… mine... yours... relative... not..."

"Hmm. How _extremely_ disappointing." A step forward.

"Come to think of it, your very existence is but _one huge disappointment_… _Potter_."

Another step, and where once an untamable lion stood proudly, now a drowned kitten was cowering in a dump stone corner of the dungeons. Even Snape appeared to be somewhat impressed at this feat of advanced self-transfiguration; because a couple of eternities later, he sighed and stepped away.

"Very well, Potter. You may go."

"??"

"?! (yet another eyebrow at action)."

"Um... Professor?"

"Still here, Potter? Enjoying my company, perhaps?"

"Um, yes. What? No! Eh... Detention?"

**THIS WHOLE BLOODY CASTLE IS JUST ONE BIG DETENTION, _POTTER!!!_**

"Oh... I see it now... What?! Not even points?"

"Points? What is the point in taking non-existing points, Potter? Gryffindor is still in minus 2357 points, thanks to a very aSPEWring member of your noble house. Of course, the freedom of poor house-elves is far above such petty notions..."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! We were in only minus 1823 yesterday!"

"Hmm... Unfortunately, I was forced to take 5 points this afternoon from Mister _Trevor_ Longbottom for wearing _my_ House'scolors. I believe also that another point was taken by our esteemed Headmaster when he got a glimpse of this morning's breakfast... Need I remind you, Mr. Potter, _which _House'srepresentative has been assigned all the kitchen duties in the absence of the house-elves?..."

Harry shook his head wordlessly. After the house-elves vacated kitchens, Hermione readily took the place over, in her quest to prove... eh, whatever…

"…And, if you add here 411 points Headmaster Dumbledore took after he got the _taste_ of today's breakfast..."

Harry paled. He too has been reckless enough to take the taste of Hermione's cooking.

"Oh... I see it now... What?! You mean, he took _only_ about a hundred of points after today's lunch and dinner?!"

"No, Potter. After today's breakfast Headmaster Dumbledore is absolutely unable to pay any attention to yet many, many of lunches and dinners to follow..."

Snape made a lengthy pause here. But if he was waiting for Harry to ask the much anticipated next question, he was in for a big disappointment. Mr. Harry B. Potter was just mutely staring at him with those bright-green saucers of his; and Snape sighed, yielding to the Supreme Power of Stupidity.

"It was Professor McGonnagal, if you absolutely must know, Potter."

"Yes, sir?"

"I said, it was Professor McGonnagal!!!"

"Eh...What about her?"

**IT WAS PROFESSOR MCGONNAGAL WHO TOOK ALL THE REMAINING POINTS FROM THE GRYFFINDOR HOUSE, _POTTER_!!!**

"Oh... I see it now... What?! But she's _our_ Head of House!!!"

"Right you are Potter, right you are… But, as you failed to notice, apart from this _head_ she has other bodily parts which require some daily attention."

"Eh?"

"Professor McGonnagal took 117 points from Gryffindor after she had to levitate 117 buckets of hot water all the way up to her personal bathroom… One point per bucket, as my intuition tells me."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! _That_ much water would be enough for the giant squid!!!"

"Somebody was stealing all the water from her buckets half the way from the dungeon's boiler."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! From the _dungeon's_ boiler?!"

Harry suddenly remembered how pink-clean and contently looking all the Slytherin House (even Snape!) were at this morning's breakfast. His bright-green saucers narrowed in suspicion. Snape just sneered innocently and Harry B. Potter felt his familiar rage returning (it always did, sooner or later; that's the problem with all familiars).

**WE STILL NEED TO TALK, _SNAPE_!!!**

"Hmm… And what is it about, _Mister_ Potter… if I may be as bold as to ask?"

"I can't tell you!!!"

Snape yawned.

"Very well, Potter. I know just the right place and _time_ where you can speak safely about what you can't speak about.

He waved his hand in a wide circle. A faintly shimmering door appeared in front of them."

"???"

"Never seen a Time Portal in your_ whole miserable life_, Potter?"

"Oh... I see it now... What?! My life is not miserable!!!"

"Isn't it? That could be still arranged, Mister Potter. That _still_ could be arranged... Not that I'm threatening you, of course..."

Snape very slowly pocketed Harry's hollywoodish wand inside the folds of his off-black cloak.

"... (blink, glare, blink)"

"This is a Short Distance Time Portal, Potter. It will send us both back in a very near past. Say, half-an-hour ago from now, away from hungry insomniac prefects?.." He made another pause, this time looking faintly puzzled.

"Frankly, Potter, I don't know _why_ I'm doing this… other that out of a sheer boredom, perhaps… Oh, well…" Snape whirled around and stepped through the door.

Harry hesitated: _something_ felt wrong about all this… Finally, summoning all the meager remnants of his Gryffindor curiosity and Slytherin courage (and borrowing some more from his next life, for good measure), he took a deep breath and followed after his more-than-ever-hated teacher…

**=xXx=**

They materialized in a dark and dungy corridor, which looked slightly barren, except for a dirty, lumpy laundry bag, which looked vaguely familiar, which looked faintly suspicious... **[Ah! Behold the light at the end of the sentence…. A/N]. **

Had Harry known the meaning of a _déjà vu_, he might have acted differently. But, as the only French word he knew was _bouillabaisse_, he just felt (for the second time in a row, but who's counting) that something was terribly wrong… which feeling never stopped him from acting before, so why to bother now?...

"Very well, Potter. You may speak now. Oh, I'm positively _bursting_ with curiosity..."

But before Snape could yawn again, he was assaulted by the face-to-face sight, and nose-to-nose aroma of a Once-Again-Very-Predatory-Harry-Potter standing on his (Harry's) tip-toes.

"So, you knew it all along?!"

"Knew what?"

"That I'm your long-lost-and-found son!!!"

**The forgotten laundry bag squeaked once, faintly; Harry whipped round at the sound; two pairs of unblinking green eyes met and blinked; and Time itself stopped breathing for a while, adjusting to the significance of this fateful moment…**

And at this precise moment Harry Bloody Ignorant Potter truly and for the first time understood...

… not the subtle humor of being stuck between his most hated professor and… well, _himself_.

… not the higher reason behind the lousy games of all the adults he ever had the misfortune to meet.

… and, most certainly, not the complex nature of Time Paradox, which keeps happily escaping the unspeakably brilliant minds of all the time-warners in the Department of Mysteries.

Harry Potter merely understood _what_ felt so terribly wrong all the way long:

**_HIS WHOLE MISERABLE LIFE..._**


	5. Invoices in the Dark

**Disclaimer:** No. Not yet. Be patient.

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**5. INVOICES IN THE DARK**

For a while nobody spoke. Then two pairs of unblinking green eyes met and blinked in surprise. Not that they were so much surprised anymore. It's just that for eyes blinking is a natural style of life. Even if you belong to Harry B. Potters.

The Harry B. Potter #2 spoke first.

"Stop hiding in this stupid bag. I _remember_ you are here!!!"

"..."

"..."

"Are you me?"

"No, I'm bi."

"What?! Not me?"

"Just kidding. Of course I'm _me_. I'm my future _me_. You're my past _me_."

"Oh... I see it now. "

Harry thought a bit.

'You sound different."

"That's because you can't hear your own voice properly. It reverberates within your thick skull and the resulting waves that come out..."

"Um..."

"Just remember, what you hear when you're speaking - this is your INNER voice."

"Eh... my what?"

"Your _inner_ _voice_, you… me… us morons! Oh well, if it's too much a burden for your... mine... our vocabulary, just call it _in-voice_".

"Oh... I see it now."

Harry thought a bit more.

"If you are _me_ than who am _I_?"

"It depends on a fic you're reading. Usually Nothing Outstanding but Sometimes Acceptable."

"But I was thinking..."

" ... THAT Exceeds Everybody's Expectations."

" ..."

"..."

"Stop acting as if _you_ are much smarter than _me_!!!"

"That's because I'm half-an-hour older than you!!!"

"Ha!!!"

"And I've spent this half-an-hour with Snape!!!"

"Oh... I see it now..."

Harry thought yet again.

"And why with Snape?"

"We had a lot to discuss."

"Me NEWTS?"

"You NUTS. Didn't you just hear us? He's my... your... our father. He's always been. He just doesn't care..."

"Oh... I see it now..."

Harry thought... Oh, forget about thinking. He just asked.

"And how do you know he's my... your... our father?"

"I overheard a secret conversation."

"And he didn't notice you?"

"No. I was hiding in a laundry bag."

"Unbelievable. Can't imagine what would I do if I were sitting in a bag and hearing about Snape being my... your... our dad!!!"

"You've. Just. Been. In. This. Bag."

"Oh... I see it now..."

"Whatever. Just don't go and try to kill him."

"Didn't even cross my mind!"

"I know it didn't… _yet_…"

"…but now that you mentioned it..."

**SNAPE!!!! YOU CRAZY GLUE!!! WHERE ARE YOU???!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW!!!**


	6. Head of House Hunting

**Disclaimer:** Let me check... Nope. Still nothing. Maybe later.

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**6. HEAD OF HOUSE HUNTING**

Harry B. Potter was roaming through the dark corridors of the peacefully sleeping school of W&W. Black waves of menace were tangibly emanating from his predatory form. 

"Looking for somebody, Potter?" 

Harry turned around. Right behind (and well above) his menacing back was the unreadable and unprintable face, firmly attached to the Head of Slytherin House.

"..."

"???"

"!!!"

"???"

**I'LL KILL YOU SNAPE!!!**

"How original, Potter. I'm impressed. I truly am."

Snape was lazily twitching his long, well groomed, nice and supple, hollywoodish fingers... Wait a bit… HOLLY WOOD?! NICE AND SUPPLE?! PHOENIX FEATHER?!

Harry frantically searched his vast sleeves. No wands. He searched his deep pockets. Nothing worth mentioning. His knees buckled. 

...

"So, you were looking for _me_ then... ", Snape looked extremely bored. 

"Um...No. Not me... you. That was another Professor Snape. Yes. Yes. An absolutely different Snape."

"Hmm... How disappointing. A relative of mine, then?"

"Um... No, no... Not a relative of mine... yours... relative... not..."

"Hmm. How _very_ disappointing... And just when I thought that even your destructive tendencies could be put to good use once..."

" ..."

"Very well, Potter. You may go."

"..."

"?!"

"Um... Professor?"

"You're still here, Potter?"

"Um... Eh... Detention?"

"This. Whole. Bloody. Castle. Is. One. Big. Detention... Potter."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! Not even points?"

"Points? What is the point to taking non-existing points, Potter? Gryffindor is still in minus 2357 points, thanks to a very aSPEWring member of your noble house. Of course, the freedom of poor house-elves is more important than some petty points..."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! It was only minus 1823 yesterday!"

"Hmm. I was regretfully forced to take 5 points this afternoon from Mister Trevor Longbottom for wearing _my_ House's colors. I believe also that another point was taken by our esteemed Headmaster when he got a glimpse of this morning's breakfast... And if you add here 411 points Headmaster Dumbledore took after he got the _taste_ of today's breakfast..."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! He took only about a hundred of points after today's lunch and dinner?!"

"No, Potter. After today's breakfast Headmaster Dumbledore is profoundly unable to pay any attention to yet many of lunches and dinners to follow..."

Snape made a long pause here. But if he was waiting for Harry to ask the much anticipated next question, he was in for a big disappointment. Harry B. Potter was just mutely staring at him with those two bright-green saucers of his. Snape sighed, yielding to the power of stupidity.

"It was Professor McGonnagal."

"Eh...What about her?"

"It. Was. Professor. McGonnagal. Who. Took. All. The. Remaining. Points. From. The. Gryffindor. House... Potter."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! But she's our Head of House!!!"

"Right you are Potter. But, as you failed to notice, apart from this head she has other bodily parts which require some daily attention."

"???"

"Professor McGonnagal took all those points from Gryffindor after she had to levitate 117 buckets of hot water up to her private bathroom. One point for each bucket, I assume."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! Why so much? That much water would be enough for the giant squid!!!"

"Somebody was stealing all the water from her buckets half the way from the dungeon's boiler."

"Oh... I see it now... What?! From the _dungeon's_ boiler?!"

Harry suddenly remembered how pink-clean and contently looking all the Slytherin House (even Snape!) was at this morning's breakfast. His bright-green saucers narrowed in suspicion. Snape just sneered innocently and Harry B. Potter felt his sacred rage returning (it always did). 

**WE STILL NEED TO TALK, SNAPE!!!**

"What about?"

"I can't tell you!!!"

"Hmm. How intriguing."

Snape yawned. 

"Very well, Potter. I know just the right place and time where you could speak safely about what you couldn't speak about. 

He waved his hand in a wide circle. A faintly shimmering door appeared in front of them."

"???"

"Never seen a Time Portal in your_ whole miserable life_, Potter?"

"Oh... I see it now... What?! It is not miserable!!!"

"Isn't it? That could be still arranged, Mister Potter. That still could be arranged... Not that I'm threatening you, of course..." 

"..."

Snape slowly pocketed Harry's hollywoodish wand within the folds of his off-black cloak.

"This is a Small Range Time Portal, Potter. It will send us both back in a near past. Say, half-an-hour ago from now." 

Snape turned and stepped through the door.

* * *

They materialized in a dark corridor, which looked slightly barren except from a dirty laundry bag which looked vaguely familiar which looked faintly suspicious.

"Well, Potter. I believe you may speak now. Oh, I'm positively bursting with curiosity..."

But before Snape could yawn again he was assaulted by the close sight and sound (not to mention smell) of Harry Once Again Very Angry Potter standing on his (Harry's) tip-toes.

"So, you knew it all along?!"

"Knew what?"

"That I'm your long-lost-and-found son!!!"

...

At this precise moment Harry B. Potter felt that something was terribly wrong... And at the next precise moment he understood WHAT it was that felt so terribly wrong: his_ whole miserable life_...


	7. The Fairy Tail

**Disclaimer A:** You're still after me? I've already told you, I've got nothing to justify your means.

**Disclaimer B:** I'm reasonably sure that the idea behind this chapter is mine and mine alone. 

But in case I'm mistaken, well... see Disclaimer A :)

__________________

**7. THE FAIRY TAIL **

"Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business."

"Remus Lupin. Or just Lupin. I came here to mourn a friend of mine."

He stepped back just in time to avoid to be hit by the silver _"Remus Just Lupin, Mourning Walk_" badge.

"The Ministry of Magic wishes you a pleasant mourning."

…

The way to the Chamber of Death was uneventful. (Honestly, just two stunned Aurors - who were dutifully sleeping anyway - and a pitiful dozen of broken wards...)

The mysterious Veil was fluttering ever so slightly as if some lazy peek-a-boo player fell asleep behind it and was now disturbing the delicate fabric with his peaceful snoring.

"..."

"Sirius?"

"... ... ..."

"Sirius, I know you can hear me. There is no point in pretending _so_ dead, you old furry prick! Eh... I mean, even with all your fierce _fury_ and _prickly_ pride you still could've deigned to find a welcoming word for your grieving friend..."

Soft murmurs of cool night winds (a.k.a. drafts) were the only answer to his gentle pleas. Remus sighed.

"Very well. Keep your silence as long as you wish. After all, I didn't come all the way here just to listen to your incessant blabbering... This time I've got some blabbering of my own."

He slowly extracted a small but thick bright-colored book from inside of his exquisitely tattered robes.

"Remember THE Book you gave me as an early Christmas present after I chewed up your brand-new broomstick in our fifth year?"

This time the Veil fluttered slightly more than it was strictly necessary for a sleeping peek-a-boo beauty. 

"By the way, it _was_ your own fault, you know. Nobody asked you to bring your favorite stick into the Shrieking Shack and tease me with it... Anyway, the time came for you to pay me back for all those years of my being the only reader of this... eh… fairytale?"

____________________

_Remus Just Lupin settled comfortably in an armchair (which conveniently appeared behind him a second before) and read the title aloud:_

***~*~ * FAIRY TALES THROUGH CAGES *~*~***

**Revised Edition**

**Editor D. Umbridge**

**Approved as a pre-school reading **

**by the Ministry of Magic of ****Great Britain****.**

_Was it just his imagination or there was indeed a lonely moan among all the murmurs? Remus smiled predatorily and turned the page._

***~* THE LITTLE WEREWOLF AND THE RED CAP *~***

Once upon a time, my dear children, there lived a happy wizarding family in the Forgotten Forest - a widow and her werewolf son whom all called just Little Werewolf, because he was indeed a little werewolf and as such didn't need any other name. There must have been a father too once in this happy family but Little Werewolf didn't remember him at all (well, maybe only his taste a bit). 

One fair morning Little Werewolf's Mummy merrily removed all the bars and unlocked the heavy trap-door to her son's cozy cellar.

"Rise and shine, my sweet Moonydoom! You're going on a trip today. Your favorite granny has fallen gravely ill."

"Which granny? The one that sent me a silver spoon for my last birthday?"

"Yes, darling, the one that loves you the most. Your other granny sent you only a silver pin."

"Um... Mummy?"

"Yes, Moonydrum?"

"Wouldn't she like to enjoy her favorite grave illness alone?"

"Of course not, my Moonydrill! What the point is there to suffer alone, with nobody to compl... eh to share the moment with?!"

"All right, all right... I only wish that her grave illnesses would not always happen together with my full-moon periods…"

And so our Little Werewolf started his long journey through the beautiful and friendly Forgotten Forest.

In the sunny clearing before their house a small gathering of centaurs were reverently reading the new "Daily Prophet". Little Werewolf knowingly smiled at the expression of soft wonder and deep awe on their almost human faces.

Then he crossed the Bridge where a bunch of playful goblin kids were collecting money for the Ministry-supported charity funds. Little Werewolf had no money in his pockets (he didn't have any pocket-infested clothes to begin with) but it didn't stop him from supporting the noble cause with all his cute little heart.

**[Now, this is just a fairytale, remember, children? So let us all pretend that magical creatures can feel just as us wizards do. D.U.]**

_Remus made a short break here. How strange. He'd never noticed before how cold and strong the drafts in the Chamber of Death were._

... After the Bridge the trees grew older and higher. Little Werewolf was cordially greeted there by some Muggle tourists. They all accidentally stumbled upon this secret place and were now patiently waiting in a line to be Obliviated by our watchful and courteous Aurors.

The Forgotten Forest grew ever higher and darker around him, but our Little Werewolf was afraid of nothing. For though he was only a small and slow-witted creature he was confident that our government would protect ALL its law-abiding subjects.

He merrily waved his hand at the pack of Wizard-Friendly Vegetarian Vampires Which Officially Refused to Drink Blood.

**[They all did it voluntarily and willingly and not just because it is prohibited by Ministry's laws. D.U.]**

The vampires cheerfully grinned back to the polite little beast.

His way lay through the darkest part of the forest now. The lane became very narrow and twisting here. And just after the twentieth turn Little Werewolf saw that somebody was waiting here for him. And that, my brave children, was nobody else but 

**THE BIG AND TERRIBLE EVIL RED CAP!!!**

But of course the poor puppy-werewolf, what with him having spent his whole life in our well-protected and lawful world, knew nothing about evil things which still dare sometimes to disturb the Perfect Order of the Wizarding Britain.

"Oh, what a meeting. Our Little Moony-Ding-Dong..."

"Good morning to you too, Mr. Red Cap."

"Where are you going, Little Moony-Dung, if I may ask?"

"I'm visiting my favorite Granny, Mr. Red Cap. She's gravely ill."

"What, again? Oh, I simply MUST visit her. I would've done it ages ago, but couldn't find her house."

"That because it's unplottable."

"Oh, I know, I know... Believe me, little one, I know it only too well... Um... Could you please tell me how to find it?"

"Of course, Mr. Red Cap."

And so our silly, silly Little Werewolf explained to the evil Mr. Red Cap all the driving directions and passwords opening the wards to His Favorite Granny's House!!!

**[Don't worry my dears, there will be a new law one day soon, restricting for all the lower magical creatures any unsupervised access to wizard-inhabited areas. I promise. D.U.]**

_The weather in the Chamber of Death was slowly but steadily moving towards "chilly and windy". As for the Veil's billowing, it was rivaling Snape's cloak's peristalsis now. Remus J. Lupin was shivering from cold, but his voice remained smooth and lulling as he continued with the narration..._

... And so it happened that when the Not Too Bright Little Werewolf was happily enjoying a cup of English Breakfast Tea with his gravely ill Favorite Granny, the door burst open and the Hungry Looking Red Cap appeared before the frightened family. 

The monster licked its thick scarlet lips and grinned.

"Bone appetite, everybody!"

But Little Werewolf's Favorite Granny stood and cried angrily:

**I WILL COMPLAIN TO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!!!**

And such was the force of those words that even this foul creature stopped in its tracks and hesitated for a moment. But, alas, children, even in our prosperous and enlightened times (guarded by the vigilant and honorable Law Enforcement Department of the Ministry of Magic) there still are some wretched monsters who just chose to remain beyond rescue!!!

And so the wretched monster swallowed them all: the werewolf, and the werewolf's grandmother, and the werewolf's grandfather's portrait, and the werewolf's grandfather's clock, and the werewolf's grandmother's silverware...

_Remus produced a worn handkerchief from his secret front pocket (disguised as an old polka dot patch) and dabbed it at the solitary tear which escaped his moisten eyes._

Well, it is uncomfortable enough, my sweet children, to be swallowed by a Red Cap. But if you also happen to be a werewolf and a bit wary of your grandmother's silverware, your situation might become even more unpleasant…

_Remus made another dramatic pause here. The icy wind was positively howling around the ancient archway now. _

... Fortunately, the Wizard-Friendly Vampires, who were peacefully gnawing at a tree bark nearby have heard Little Werewolf's desperate howling and came to his Favorite Granny's House to investigate. 

**[Now, it must be made clear that the Vampires came here because they all felt the threat to their beloved forest's harmonious and law-abiding life and not at all because they were lured here by promise of blood as their less civilized brethren would have been. **

**Because, my little ones, you must know, that there still are few magical creatures that are not yet cooperating with our esteemed authorities. But rest assured, my obedient ones, that the authorities in question _will_ cooperate accordingly with those who refuse to cooperate with them. D.U.]**

_The ever present murmurs (which long since became moans, howls and dirty curses) grew louder with his every word, but Remus was too absorbed in his reading to pay them any notice._

... And so they rescued them all: the werewolf, and the werewolf's grandmother, and the werewolf's grandfather's portrait, and the werewolf's grandfather's clock, and the werewolf's grandmother's silverware...

_A low earth-shattering rumble arose from the very foundations of the Chamber of Death..._

... And they all returned after that to their otherwise happy and healthy lives under the wise and loving guidance of our Almighty and Benevolent Ministry of...

**NOOOOOOO!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!! STOP IT NOW YOU SADISTIC BEAST!!!!!**

_The Veil of Death flew open._


	8. SoDomini Canes

**Disclaimer**: Time to do some Cinderella now... Just kidding, just kidding... I know when to stop :)

________________________

**8. SODOMINI CANES **

Inside of the open archway stood Sirius, his ex-handsome face grave and sleepy.

"Why are you disturbing my well-deserved eternal sleep, you pesky mortal?"

"You were snoring."

"That's not a reason to torment my restful spirit, you vengeful, sadistic, necrophilic, _literate _son of..."

"The pleasure is all mine, Sirius."

"Just plead your case and be gone, you petty living creature."

"I miss you, Sirius."

"I miss you too. Here, take the card: _Dear (name). I miss you so much. Truly yours, Sirius Black_. Case closed. Have a nice day..."

**WAIT!!!**

"What else?"

"We _all_ miss you."

"There is a copy machine somewhere in the building."

"_Harry_ misses you too…"

"Make two... no, three additional copies of the card for him personally..."

"You're not the Sirius I knew!!!"

"Of course I'm not. Which reminds me: I've spent enough of my time mixing with you unworthy mortals…"

**WAIT!!!**

"What, again?!"

"We were lovers, remember?"

"No we weren't. I'm as straight as McGonnagal's spine!!!"

"But..."

"No butts. Just her spine."

"So... That long-long night, in the greenhouses... In our sixth year... When you said you love me... You were lying?"

"Nah. That was Snape who was lying, right behind the mandrake pots. He cast _Sodomini Canes_ on me."

"I didn't notice him."

"Well, I did."

"And you told me nothing?!"

"He cast _Confidelius_ Charm on me. _Snivellus Lmtd. Lifetime Warranty_."

"So how it happens you can speak about it now?"

"... _No death-time warranty included_."

"But you were moaning _so_ naturally..."

"I was under a _Whimperius_ Curse. _Snivellus Lmtd. Good Customer's Recognition_."

"You know, when you kissed me the first time, it was as if all the light of heavens…"

"…that was Snape taking pictures."

"So, everything was just a lie…"

"Well, don't look so disappointed… At least you were the best man in my life."

"How would you know it, if I was the _only_ man in your life?!"

"That's what I'm saying. Now, if you'll excuse me…"

** WAIT!!!**

"Oh, that's becoming ridiculous… What now?"

"You can't just leave me like _that_!!!"

"And you can't just pull me out from my warm grave like _that_!!!"

"…"

"Anyway, it was a very low trick, you know, to torture me with THIS book."

"May I remind you again that that was your gift to me?"

"Oh, have some mercy for a DEAD man's mistakes, ok?"

"Shhh. Don't say that aloud! That's a spoiler!"

"Spoiler?! What is there left of me to be spoiled?!"

"Eh... I mean, for the people who don't now yet you were killed… It could spoil all the surprise for them."

"Oh, sorry. I shall keep my death quiet then. Wouldn't want to ruin anybody's entertainment, would I?"

"Sirius, please... Just calm down…"

"Oh, I'm absolutely calm..."

**SO WHAT I AM TO YOU ALL, JUST A BLOODY SPOILER???!!!!**

"Uh… well, Sirius… I'd better… What time is it? Oh, it's becoming late. Gotta catch the bed now. An early bird, you know…"

**MY TRAGIC UNTIMELY DEMISE JUST A FREAKING SURPRIZE???!!!!**

"Good night to you too, Sirius. See you later… Much, much later…"

During all the goodnights Remus J. Lupin managed to take some tactically important backward steps and was now noticeably closer to the exit…

… But not close enough.

**WAIT!!! YOU WANTED A SURPRIZE? TAKE THIS THEN!!!**

**…**

**…**

**…**

**JAMES ISN'T HARRY'S FATHER****!!!**


	9. Sirius Wail

**Disclaimer:** My poor little bonsai is dead, gone beyond his Botanical Veil - courtesy to a curious vandal of a squirrel.

So, I have nothing to lose anymore... 

_ENEMIES OF THE QUIET BONSAI LOVER, BEWARE!!!_

**A/N (lovingly rereading all the hard-earned, precious reviews) **

**Wait! Who said the last chapter was "smutty"?! It most certainly wasn't… eh… was it? Hmm…well, there _is_ "something mutty" about Sirius - which simply can't be helped ;)**

**To Gryphwng: I'm terribly sorry about your fried brain cells and barbequed ribs. I truly am :)**

______________________________

**9. SIRIUS WAIL**

…

_JAMES ISN'T HARRY'S FATHER!!!_

_…_

Remus J. Lupin rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"I _knew_ it. I just knew you had to show off and reveal some breathtaking shit or another! Couldn't keep shut yours, could you?!"

"Well, I'm saying the truth", said Sirius defensively.

"And what, pray, shall we, humble mortals, do now - after being utterly blessed with such a truth?!"

"Oh, let me see... How about freaking out?" 

Remus just kept looking at him, his fingers menacingly caressing _the_ book's smooth cover. The customary smug expression faded from the spirit's face.

"Ok. Ok. Just don't open that_ thing _again_…_ I said OK!!!"

**[For a better understanding as to why Sirius Black (and not only him, I must confess) fears this book so much, see the companion fic "Fairy Tails Through Cages". A/N]**

Remus very slowly closed the book.

"So, let me ask it again. _What. Shall. We. Do. Now_?"

"Um… You could just forget all about my unforgettable revelations. Harry doesn't have to know everything he does have to know, you know."

Remus nodded his assent.

"Nice try. But, being the truthful, honorable, loyal and modest Gryffindor I am, it's against my generous nature to keep secrets to myself. I _have_ to share!!!"

"Be greedy for a while."

"But what about my principles?"

"Just lie on your back, take a strong grip on your principles and think about all the greater good you can achieve in this pose."

"Who do you think I am, a _Dumbledore_?!"

They both blushed. Sirius was the first to recover.

"That's it! Tell the Dumb-…_Share_ with _him_! This way you will both clear you conscience and ensure that the truth will be buried forever. Not to mention, the old w-wan-, eh… this wonderful man simply adores to be burdened with unburdening other people from their burdensome burdens."

For a while Remus stood still, chewing over the bone-and-sinew advice. Then his face brightened up.

SIRIUS, YOU'RE A STAR!!!

Sirius stared at him unhappily.

"I still am, aren't I? Hop-hop! Twinkle-Twinkle-Doggish-Star! One would think they'd name a whole constellation after me!It would've meant so much for my poor long-suffering soul; even post-humorously…

"Posthumously, you mean."

"Yes, yes, post-humorously. _A constellation in consolation…_ Or maybe even some nebula or another…"

"…"

"What?! Why are you staring at me like this?! Am I asking too much? Hey, I mean, even this mother-hen Andromeda got a nebula of her own!!!"

"Hmm. Well, there still should be this Veil Nebula somewhere…"

"Really? And does it mention my name too?"

"Last time I've checked it didn't."

"See? Even this ruddy Duster got the best of me!"

"The death isn't fair, my friend."

"Look, Lupin. I understand that you are a bit busy right now, what with all those wars and politics you mortals enjoy to hate so much. But when everything will be over…"

"When everything will be over, I solemnly swear to rename my very own alarm-clock _Sirius Wail_".

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Sirius sighed.

"Well, I guess that's better then nothing."

"And you still may keep the star."

"Thanks."

"My pleasure. By the way, _who_ is Harry's father?"


	10. Itsssssssnape

**Disclaimer: **Still nothing. As for the $25 gift certificate I'm rumored to have hidden under my pillow, let it be known that I'm long since accustomed to sleep a la king Leonid and his 300 pieces of cannon fodder, i.e. _sans culottes et sans oreiller..._   
**A/N – Oops. Some fresh mail on my doorstep :)  
To ntinat: Yes, this bothers me too. I definitely have to dig deeper into this mystery… in about 5 chapters or so.   
To Gryphnwng: Just add the missing "r" to the "fiend" word and I promise to mention you in all my fryers ;)**

_______________________________

** 10. ITSSSSSSSNAPE**

…

_By the way, _who _is Harry's father?_

"Itssssss…"

"Yessss?"

"Ssssss…"

"Sssstop hissssing, will you! Itsssss contagioussss!"

"Ssssorry." 

"Ssssso?..."

"Itsssssssnape."

"…"

"Eh… Um… Lupin?"

"…"

"Remus?!"

"…"

"Just say something, ol' fr-"

"Oooh…"

"…fr-freakily-weekly-weakling of a mortal…"

"I feel as if being struck with something cold and hard on my skull box."

"Yeah," the spirit nodded in understanding. "That's the way those marble floors usually behave when you fall on them."

Remus J. Lupin slowly sat up on the cold floor, supporting his head in both hands as delicately as if dealing with a chamber pot, full to its very brim. He sat very still, while all the freshly acquired memories, violently stirred up by his hard fall, were slowly and sulkily settling back into their cozy brain cells.

"Sssssossssn…oh, what the…," he shook his head firmly, banishing the residual hissiness. "So, Snape is Harry's father?"

"Yeap."

"I can't believe it!" 

"Neither would I if it hadn't been for Lily herself. She could be very convincing, you know."

"Oh, I know," Remus shuddered. "But how could you keep it secret from us? From James?! Oh, no, don't answer. It's that _Confidelius_ charm again, wasn't it…"

"Eh... Actually, no. Not a _Confidelius. _I… I just forgot all about it."

"You… what?!"

HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT SUCH A THING, YOU RUDDY BLACK HOLE?!

"Now, now," squeaked the rather startled spirit, placatingly holding up his arms, while hastily retreating behind the protection of the suddenly very attractive dusty drape. **[Just in case, you know. Better be safe once than dead twice. A/N]**

"Well, you'd forget all about it too, if Lily Evans-Potter were hunting you all over the place, trying to _Obliviate_ you with a skillet in one hand and hit with her wand in another... or did she first hit me with the skillet and then Obliviated? Can't remember…"

"Wait. Was it a light blue skillet the size of a house-elf, with small pink roses all over it?"

"Yes. You do remember it too?"

"I'm afraid so," nodded Remus gravely. "That was the only thing left intact when their house collapsed… apart from Harry, of course."

"Yes, it must be the same one. Lily could be _very_ convincing, you know."

"Oh, I know," Remus shuddered. "But why did she _Obliviate_ you when it was _her_ who told you everything in the first place?"

"Did I ever say she told everything to _me_?

"Uh… No?"

"No, she didn't… I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time… Namely, under her bed, when…" 

"Under her bed? For my brains' sake, Sirius, what were you doing _under _Lily Potter's bed?!"

"Look, I was hunting, ok? "

"On whom?"

"On mice, of course!"

Remus J. Lupin felt a peculiar strong feeling enveloping him. Like a full-moon coming early.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO DO WITH MICE AT POTTER'S HOUSE, SIRIUS?

"Well, I didn't know that it were _rats_ I should've been concerned about."

"Sirius..."

"Ok, ok. So, Godric's Hollow was all swarming with vermin. And Potters couldn't even take in a cat – all because of me being _such a naughty dog always snooping about_." 

"You weren't _that_ naughty!"

"Lily's words. So, as it was _my_ fault that they couldn't get rid of the mice, Lily demanded some recompense of me..."

"Ah, now I begin to understand." 

"…Of course, I refused at first, but Lily… eh… she could be very convincing, you know."

"Oh, I know," Remus shuddered. "So, what _exactly_ did happen?"

"Patience, my mortal friend, patience… _One more chapter and you'll know everything you've subscribed on_."


	11. Unforgettables

**Disclaimer: **Why to bother? Nobody reads disclaimers anyway… Or may be they do?  
_______________________________

**11. UNFORGETTABLES**

…

_So, what exactly did happen?_

"Better ask me what _didn't_ happen."

"So, what exactly _didn't_ happen?"

"Oh," Sirius noticeably livened up. "I thought you'll never ask! To put it shortly, James and Lily never sleep together after their wedding, that's what _didn't_ happen."

Remus giggled.

"Right. Sure. As if _anything_ could put a stop to James' matrimoni-"

"Snape."

"Oh…" the laughter died on his lips. 

"Just before the wedding Snape hit James with one of the _Unforgettables_."

"Oh, no," Remus gasped. "Which one?!" 

"The worst of them all."

"Surely, you don't mean…"

"Yes, I do. The _Charivari_ Curse."

Remus visibly paled.

"That's _too_ cruel. Even for Snape."

"Well. Truth be told," here Sirius contorted his face in a peculiar manner, as if trying to press his lips together. (In vain, of course. Dead people tell no lies).

"Truth be told, he _did_ have some reason to be _that_ cruel. Remember that wild bachelor party, the night just before James' wedding?"

"No, I don't."

"Well, you shouldn't. You weren't invited."

"Tell me no more. You threw James' last bachelor party in Knockturn Alley!" 

"Yeah. And then we met Snivellus in this… let's call it a pub; and, naturally, things went a bit out of control between James and thissssssssniv…"

"Ssssstop hissssing."

"Right. So James ended up cursed in a most _unforgettable_ way imaginable. Each time afterwards, when he tried _anything_ remotely within the scope of the _Charivari_ curse, this 'anything' was followed by banging saucepans, shaking rattles, cheering crowds, furniture giggling and squirming, his own underwear giving all kind of smart advice…"  

"Merlin's shit", slowly exhaled Remus J. Lupin, too chagrined with the vision to say anything else.

"Precisely. Of course, such petty nuisances wouldn't have stopped _me_, but for James, with his delicate nature…"

"Hmm."

"Ok, it wouldn't have stopped _him_ either, but Lily was of a different opinion on the subject... and she could be very convincing, you know."

"Oh, I know", Remus shuddered.

"So, seeing as her honeymoon was completely ruined, Lily demanded an adequate substitution from Snape. Of course, he refused at first, just out of spite, but Lily… eh… she could be _very_ convincing, you know…"

"Oh, I know." Remus shuddered.

"…and that's when I happened to overhear their conversation and the following… and everything that followed."

Remus nodded in grave understanding.

"And, obviously, you couldn't stand it any longer and interfered on James' behalf…"

"Of course I couldn't stand it! _I'm a dog too!_ When somebody starts howling just above my head, I _must_ join the chorus!"

"Oh, I see it now…"

"Hey, that was Harry's line!"

"Oops. Sorry."

"So, I started howling in unison and thus was forever exposed as a mice spy. But you already know the rest."

"And what about James?"

"What about him?"

"He couldn't have taken well that Snape…"

"Oh, he never knew. Lily gave him all the right sort of memories… He was _so_ convinced of their blissful happiness… Lily could be very convincing, you know."

"Oh, I know." Remus shuddered. "Poor James."

"Well," Sirius shrugged. "He got a pair of very nice prongs instead. Now go before I start revealing another Horrible Breathtaking Truth."

"What?! You got more?!"

"Not yet. But if you stay here a little bit longer…"

"Ok. Ok. I'm already gone… Eh…Wait!"

"What now?"

"We may yet need your invaluable advice and brilliant insight in the nearest future."

The spirit assumed a dignified air.

"Well. It seems I'm stuck with you for a while, you feeble, useless, helpless…"

"…do you think it's possible to connect the other world to the Hogwarts' floo network?"

"Of course not! It's against nature's laws." 

"Well. Looks like we _do_ have to seek Dumbledore's help after all…"

"The Ministry of Magic bids farewell to you and all your wishes," said a sleepy but rather gleeful female voice. 

"So much for a nice quiet mourning…" Remus J. Lupin sighed one last time, steeping outside the telephone box and producing his wand. 

_"Revelo __Greenwich!"_

He stared at the conjured glowing clock-face. Only five in the bloody morning. Remus J. Lupin grinned with predatory satisfaction. A perfect time to damp a fresh load of burdens on a Dumbledore or, preferably, two.


End file.
